I always deserved more...
The bare minimum is no longer acceptable.
Hey friends! I was called to write this story about my father and some recent events. If you’ve ever struggled with feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, fear or rejection or abandonment, or have ever felt unseen, unheard, or unloved by a parent, I see you. Just know that it can all change when you choose yourself.
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I always deserved more…
My father came to visit me in March of this year. The “planning” for his visit was quintessential Papi.
“Are you busy today?” he asked when he called.
“I’m working,” I said.
“Can you pick me up from the ferry?”
I stopped tapping on my laptop. What ferry? Where is he?
As if reading my mind, he replied, “I’m in Connecticut and my compadre said there is a ferry that takes me to Long Island.”
After a quick Google search, I learned that his compadre was correct. There is a ferry from Bridgeport, CT to Port Jefferson on Long Island. What I didn’t know was that my father expected me to pick him up “en tres horas” and that he intended to stay with me for an undetermined amount of time as he had no return flight.
So quintessential Papi.
Our time together (7 days once I asked him when he was flying home to the Dominican Republic) changed me in ways I am still processing. I won’t get into the details as they don’t matter.
What is crucial to know is that since his visit I no longer have a relationship with my father.
My father is still the same man I remember him to be. He puts himself first. He is inconsiderate, never uttering a thank you for a meal or a kind gesture. And he is entitled, expecting me - or anyone for that matter - to tend to him, pour into him, and love him even when he has always given the bare minimum.
My father has been in and out of my life all of my life. He often said he would visit and call but wouldn’t. I don’t remember a time when he was consistently present. He didn’t show up to my theater performances, birthdays, or graduations. He didn’t provide financially or call and rarely visited, if at all. He didn’t do the bare minimum as a father, which is just to be present.
It was the same scenario when he came to visit in March. I really wanted things to be different. I used to long for a healthy, loving father-daughter relationship. To have a dad who loves me just for me and expects nothing in return. That puts in the effort to be present and consistent without me having to ask for it. A father who supports me, builds me up, and protects me.
What I experienced in March was the same dynamic. The difference this time was that I no longer engaged in it. I saw my father for who he is: a man who doesn’t know how to give to anyone.
That’s why as he walked out the door in early April, weeks before my 46th birthday, I chose to stop all efforts to build a relationship with him. I chose to stop recreating a pattern that always made me feel unworthy. Because I deserve more than the bare minimum, especially from the man who fathered me.
Since then, my father has not contacted me. He didn’t even call or text me on my birthday. But he did call my sister while she was visiting me to complain about his time with me. I wasn’t hurt or disappointed because it’s how he operates. It just confirmed everything I realized during his stay: I have always deserved a father who loves me and cherishes me. I’m not willing to receive less.
Today, I feel free. Because I no longer need my father to validate my worth. I no longer need to fix our relationship - or him - to feel healed, loved, and worthy.
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Thank you for reading this personal reflection. I hope it helps someone free themselves from outdated, toxic patterns and dynamics that are keeping them hostage.
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Till next time…
xoxo,
Sujeiry